You-logy: Jordan MacDonald
- Jordan MacDonald
- Jun 15, 2023
- 3 min read
Jordan MacDonald - The Last Black Unixorn is no more. This is a day that has been a long time coming, the world will no longer be the same without the no-longer-living legend Jordan MacDonald. Where do we even begin with this magical groovy motherfucker? First of all, Jordan knows you hating ass, stank ass, don’t-clean-underneath-your-toenails goofy bird looking ass people are more sad than the people that love Jordan. Why are you more sad? Because Jordan was just so damn pretty and now you haters can no longer look at him. Until Jordan haunts you gravy toe hoes.
Jordan was born when he was born, you don’t need to be in his business like that. Raised on a black angus cattle ranch in Sherman, TX, Jordan is a natural-born cowboy. Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, though Jordan is possibly the flyest being to ever exist on earth, he can still boot scoot’n boogie and get down with the get down, if need be.
Jordan was raised by his parents in a multiracial household. That’s why his playlist can go from Prince to Johnny Cash to Larry June. Good job, Jordan. (That’s a deep cut). Jordan’s father is a black Vietnam War Vet from Brooklyn, NY. And his mother is a white woman from Oklahoma.
His parents met in Cleveland, OH. How and why did this happen? I don’t know, Jordan is dead. But they old. Jordan was a strange kid growing up, but dammit was he funny. That kid is gonna be a star. No one said that, but Jordan believed it. He had a limited edition 3 foot tall platinum Buzz Lightyear and wishes that he would of kept up with that thing. It’s probably worth a lot of money.
Dammit. Jordan loved video games and was a dedicated Nintendo head. Fuck off Sony and Microsoft, make a real gaming console. Jordan’s favorite game was The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask. That game gave Jordan painfully scary ass nightmares, but dammit you can tell the creators made that game with a profound amount of love.
In high school, Jordan was a lame. No sauce. Not even juice. Jordan barely had tap water. He ran cross country. Though it is perhaps the hardest sport you can do, you still don’t get the girls because they like the football players with brain damage. Jordan was very lonely in high school because Jordan was sheltered, which in turn caused him to wild out when he moved out at 18.
Jordan is teflon though, can’t nothing stick to him baby. In college, Jordan found himself in psychedelics. That is when he became The Unixorn. Jordan dropped out of college, not because he was a bad student, but because you don’t need a degree to be a superstar.
After filming his first major film gig for Alita: Battle Angel, Jordan knew that he must go all in on his dreams. And dammit he made it look good. But he’s dead.
Comedy was his love though. That was wifey, girlfriend, side-piece, sneaky link, mistress, concubine and baby. So much that it pushed all of his intimate relationships with human women away.
Jordan MacDonald was a super duper G. His pull out game was on point, except for one time, but that neither here nor there. All in all though Jordan was a great human that just wanted to make the world a better place. Whether that be through stand-up comedy or making love.
Jordan was on a mission, and damn it he made it look good. Playboy of the year every year since 08’. Jordan was everyone’s favorite City Boy. Even during a time when City Boys weren’t respected, Jordan kept it player because that’s what City Boys do and that legacy will carry on for ages. Jordan will be talked about in text books for the next 5,682 years. Even when the planet implodes on itself and every living being is terminated, Jordan’s spirit is within the universe for as long as anything can possibly exist.
According to French folklore, the only way to capture a unicorn is a naked virgin has to sit underneath a plum tree. And it seems like that naked virgin was sitting under that plum tree, and Jordan -- being the wonderful motherfucking unixorn that he is -- got captured, and now he’s dead. Beautiful.
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