We Found the Town Slut

There I was, enjoying my cheese pizza on a Friday. My usual treat for a week of hard, back-breaking work. The weather was warm but I was cozy and cool inside the little pizza shop with a refreshing soda pop to wash it down. Hard to ignore all the carvings into the wooden wall in front of me. People carving their emotions and soul into wood to let the world know “I exist.”

There was one that stood out from the rest. “J+M” encased in a wide-hipped heart. My own heart began to swell with emotion and joy. The care and detail of the carving, the generosity of J to expand the width of his heart to inlcude M. This was a love that felt as eternal as it was present. I could tell by the carvings it was not long ago. The journey of these two was only beginning but the destination did not matter -- wherever they went, they would be together.

I laughed as I realized that they were sitting right where I was. This ordinary barstool began to feel sacred. I bet J ordered a pepperoni, forgetting that M was a vegetarian. Stunned by his error, he happily picked the pepperoni off her pizza to make it safe for entry. So selfless, J is. It’s not hard to realize why M fell for him right then and there. And in a holy ceremony to cement their love to both the seeing and the blind - J pulled out his knife to engrave their names into this very wood.

The knife didn’t bother M. He probably hunts or carries it to feel safe following a traumatic mugging. It made her feel safe as well. However, the honeymoon of this magnificent couple was short-lived as I turned my head and was dumbfounded at what I saw.

J+P? How could J do this! He was everything to M and he threw it all away for P? The skinnier heart? Is that what you’re into now, J? Some hussy with an eating disorder, fake tits, and a blue pen? All existing on the same wall - have you no shame J? Have you no morals? She’s not even knifeworthy.

It wasn’t long before my eyes discovered these walls we’re littered with this manwhore’s name. What was once a sacred spot where love was discovered and thrived has transformed into a feeding ground for this lothario! This, this Casanova! This...this....this Don Juan! Don J.

I soon grasped the cold truth that this barstool was where this manwhore sat and operated his carnal levers. I rapidly grew ill and vomited my pizza all over the walls, floor, and shoe of a child.

Stumbling through the double doors of the pizza store, I scanned all the patrons who were dining outside. Which one of you is he? What face in this crowd was the destroyer of hearts known as J? The hot Texas sun was the harsh light of reality that fairytale love only exists in stupid movies and my ex’s diary. But still, I could not let this smooth operator break another southern belle’s or transplant belle’s heart.

I went home. I showered in the dark. I gathered myself. For the next several months I sat in that pizza shop waiting to catch him in the heinous act.

Day by day, slice by slice, I waited. For months no one sat in the bartsool. Was it out of some sick respect for this deviant, was the whole shop in on his operation? Or was it because I threw up all over stool and pooped a little on it earlier and now I stare at it every lunch and dinner with my gaze beaming like a broken lighthouse? It was unknowable.

Spring became summer and summer became fall, yet no bear in my trap. Perhaps my wife and kids we’re right when they said “Please stop this, you missed the birth of your child. For the love of god give this a rest.” What is the love of god when you are hunting the devil himself? A devil who goes by J.

But perhaps I did need a break. I travelled to a distant, pizza-less land - Colorado. Spent time in nature and took up a lover of my own. We were hiking in the mountains when I could not believe my beautiful green eyes. J. Engraved in rock amongst the fossils left behind by the dinosaurs. My paleontologist mistress confirmed the unfathomable, This J has roamed the earth since before T-rexes could bark.

I dropped to my knees and cried out to the skies. My mortal coil was no match for this being who walks centuries and feeds off the souls of all those who dream, desire, and thirst for love. We were all trapped and helpless in his world. The only wisdom I can part - STAY AWAY FROM J.