Recipe for a Happy Life

Written by your ex.

INGREDIENTS:

Starting each day with, I don’t know, maybe drinking orange juice out of the container in the shower. And then when I complain that’s not sanitary or normal, defending it by saying you weren’t going to put back in the fridge anyways because you planned on finishing it all. Which immediately puts the question in my mind, “What if I wanted some orange juice with my breakfast, had that crossed your mind? I bought the orange juice after all.” I don’t say this out loud though since the last time I did, you claimed that I was always “holding these things over your head” sort of the like the roof I also provide, but I’m not saying anything.

Performing one or two or twenty kind tasks for yourself each day while you stay at home. Make sure you leave all of the tasks out that you think are “gross” and “weird shit your mom did". This is a crucial part of never having to be out of your own comfort zone. Forget about even having hard conversations about the “boring” stuff like how I feel, those are definitely going to get in the way of “getting a few games in with the boys” and we wouldn’t want that.

Be in total denial of your shortcomings. Go as far as to make it seem like this is a part of your charm since you are “set in your ways” and “just hard to be around sometimes". This will spin things back in your favor that way it allows you to be the victim since “I’m not accepting you for who you are".

Attain just enough information about current events that allows you to form an unwavering opinion on the issue because “you’ve been following it on Twitter”. Now you can maintain your sense of superiority even though you’ve done nothing but entertain yourself with jokes and memes at the expense of what oftentimes are harrowing and tragic occurrences both locally and globally.

Abuse drugs and alcohol while also engaging in risk taking behavior like gambling with the credit card that I gave to you. Make sure to sleep with a few people too since this will boost your ego when I “nag” you about the state of our relationship. You’re a “hot commodity” after all. I should feel lucky you’re around.

Most importantly, don’t forget to have a dream that is impossible to support because “you’re going to get started once you have it down right in your mind”. We wouldn’t want your streetwear brand/mixtape to come out half-assed, would we?

DIRECTIONS:

Find someone who will put up with your negging at first until you’ve actually achieved lowering their self-esteem. I mean they kind of deserve it if they’re actually weak enough to let you get in their head, right?

Move in together as soon as you can by saying that it would be more affordable for both of you even though you pay no rent at your parents house.

Ask questions about with no intention of actually hearing the response, instead use it like ammo to prove why “I don’t know anything”.

Once you’ve achieved a certain level of control and you’ve entrenched yourself into their life. Isolate them, no one else gets them like you do. You’re looking out for them, after all.

Let this cool for about 3-5 years while they wait for you to “make it big” or “get married and shit”. Now you have someone providing you with the perfect life, where you don’t have to do anything for yourself but you’re still the most informed, strongest, and talented person in the room.

Enjoy this for as long as you can. Have your name be Mark. Wear “American made” clothes that are clearly labeled as being made somewhere else. What can go wrong in a life where you can’t be wrong?