Guerrilla Standup: A Guide

Let’s face it, comedy open mics suck. It’s just a bunch of other comedians on their phones waiting for their turn to get up. How can you possibly tell if your jokes are funny to the general public? You can’t prove yourself without getting on a showcase, and you can’t get on a showcase without proving yourself.

Enter: Guerrilla Standup. A captive audience is easier to find than you may think. Here are some great places to hone your craft in front of regular, everyday people… if you’re brave enough.

Sign up for a song just as you would if you were singing. I suggest something long and heavily instrumental to maximize your stage time. Sing the first few lines to lull them into a false sense of security. Then BANG, “have you ever noticed there are no B batteries?” When you eat shit, and you will eat shit, do not give up. Some people take Karaoke very seriously, and you will arouse contempt in their hearts. Remember, you can always transition into poorly singing the song if things get too intense.

Your best bet is to start off with a good addiction story. Talk about your rock bottom moment, then gradually start to go into your material. Make sure your rock bottom is comical and light hearted. “They found me passed out, shirtless, pants pissed, cuddling a wax statue of Theodore Roosevelt I had stolen from the natural history museum.” They will be so captivated they won’t even notice that you have moved into your tight five. If things get bleak, and you really need to bail out, just recite John Mulaney’s new special. That should kill.

You can’t always be lucky enough to have a family member die every time you want to test some new jokes. However you can look in the Obituaries of your local paper for funerals in the area. In my experience, four out of five funerals ask if anyone would like to say a few words. Start with “My condolences. Here are some jokes that (Name of Deceased) really loved.” That will buy you some time before people realize what’s happening. I’ve gotten up to 6 minutes before the family rushes the pulpit. People tend to get a little touchy about dead loved ones, so make sure you are aware of all exits and have an escape plan. I like to leave my car running.

Speaking your mind on a Tuesday night in your local municipal building is one of the purest expressions of freedom and democracy. If Gary, the “High Priest of Shondor,” can talk about the dangers of the coming blood moon, then why can’t you talk about why dating in Austin is weird? Keep it local and topical. “Another body washed up in Town Lake? One more and I’m selling my paddle board!” This is also a great forum to practice for a roast battle. Take some time to research the members of the council, and go down the line lighting them up one by one.

Once you adopt the way of Guerrilla Standup, you begin to see the whole world as your stage. Suddenly, a grocery store intercom, a pro-life rally, a company picnic, the DMV, all become your own personal comedy clubs. Not to mention how good you’ll get at running and fist fighting! I suggest wearing a discrete go-pro at all times. That way if stand up doesn’t work out, you can start a very successful “public prank” TikTok account. Now get out there and tell some jokes to people who absolutely don’t want to hear them!