DEAR MR. MAYOR

The Mayor you elected is ready to receive your questions! Ask away about local policy, foreign policy, the hot buzz, the cold climate, and the oh so sweet town gossip! Just DO NOT ASK about the mayor's ex-wife. The floor is yours!

SUBMIT YOUR QUESTIONS FOR THE MAYOR ANONYMOUSLY HERE

1. How do I get more lizards?

Sweetheart, if anything this town needs less Lizards. 

It’s no secret that Austin is a hotbed for these pea-brained divas. Every time I am out for a stroll, one scurries across my feet and I am left screaming louder than I did when I immersed myself in Paul’s hot tub in Albuquerque. Two words, Paul, ‘temperature control’. Were you raised by animals?

Speaking of animals, let’s get back to your dumb little question. I’d prefer you not try to attract any more of these scaled sluts to Austin. In fact, I am pushing to introduce legislation to declare an open season on these beasts. Under my command, we shall celebrate great victories in the eternal war on the reptilian race.

2. What's your favorite commandment? Which ones do you want to add?

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife has always been up there for me. Gosh, I love when the Bible is sexist. As a semi-closeted gay man (sorry, honey) I’ve always felt like this rule doesn’t apply to Mayors like me. It’s God’s silly little way to punish the straights. 

I can assure you, I will never be caught looking at my neighbor Paolo’s wife. The only thing this mayor covets is that sweet Spaniard stallion that goes by Paolo. And I know the big man upstairs doesn’t have any rules about that. 

Mr. Paolo Mayor… It has a nice ring to it.

My newly proposed commandment:

‘Thou Shalt covet thy Mayor. Especially when they live right next door’.

3. Just because I’m banned from one Chuck E. Cheese doesn’t mean I’m banned from all of them in the Austin area, right?

I’m going to have to pin this answer to my door, because I get asked this one all the time. The short answer is yes, but does that mean you just sit there and take it? Absolutely not.

Charles Ebenezer Cheese prides himself on state of the art security and weapons systems. If they catch an ex-communicant trying to enter the premises, the protocol is to shoot on site. Now, this does not mean hope is lost for you. If anything, your new life has just begun.

What’s critically important here is that you find someone you can trust. Someone with a plastic surgery background is ideal, but at the very least get someone who has watched Nip/Tuck. Once you’re able to significantly change your face, I have a guy at the DMV that will set you up with your new identity.

Just tell him you know ‘Venga Boy’. He’ll know what to do.

With your new name in place, you’re ready to leave your family behind and return to the party palace known as owned by Señor E. Cheese.

I’ll see you next Thursday in the ball pit during adult swim. I’ll be practicing my backstroke in lane 2.