Au Revoir America

In August of 2023, the queen of gag city herself, Nicki Minaj, famously stated in a feature through Lil Uzi Vert’s song "Endless Fashion",

"I got a Republican doctor/ Made my ass great again MAGA.”

Whether a true testament to her choice at the ballot box or simply a lyric to stir controversy, this was not the first time Minaj utilized her lyrical talents to propose policy change. Between a Twitter thread discussing her avoidance of the COVID vaccine due to her Trinidadian cousin’s testicles swelling as an alleged side effect to the shot or stating on another track, “I’m a Republican voting for Mitt Romney/ you lazy bitches are fucking up the economy,” Minaj has weighed in on plenty of topical issues. The result of revealing her position is always: controversy. Millions of keyboard warriors and op-ed journalists swoop in to save the day with think-pieces debating the validity of if we bitches are truly so lazy that we do be fucking up the economy. You, the reader, probably either A) don’t remember these newsworthy Nicki stories or B) never knew that she actually said or felt this way about our governmental processes. At this point you may be asking yourself, is pop superstar Nicki Minaj a conservative? Answer: maybe? And if she was, do we care anymore? It doesn’t take a Roman Holiday to realize where things are going for the United States. This starship is certainly meant to fly, but we may have underestimated how far from our grasp it would go before we lose it completely.

I hate to throw Nicki under the bus to begin a dialogue about the conclusion of the country. Still, her standpoint is just a speck in the many millions of people who state their opinions almost daily through various social media platforms. Reading this very article has likely come after a long string of TikTok watching, doom scrolling on X (the artist formerly known as Twitter), or doing whatever it is people on Threads do for fun. The democratization of social media and by extension, the never-ending abyss of hot takes with nothing referential to back up a claim has become commonplace in our everyday lives. As a result, it has totally skewed our perception of reality. That being said, Nicki Minaj’s tweet about her cousin’s nutsack may be a big news story for a day, but it’s another contribution to a wider problem in how we consume media and follow that diet up with a choice in leadership. For all the trouble we give our celebrities for their perception of truth, we never achieve to hold anyone with real power to that account. Most guys who have tried end up with the official CIA award for journalism which is usually a 7.62x51mm lodged deep into your grey matter. (They don’t even get their name engraved on that medal, what the hell?!)

In the grand scheme of things, you can be enamored in the grand old party’s return to tradition and rejection of regulation regardless of their continuing rights restrictions or you can soak up the liberal lifestyle and pick yourself up with the positive smokescreen of progress as the politicians sit in an ineffective standstill. If neither works, you can always be the enlightened centrist who is disconnected from the drama saying, “I’m socially liberal and fiscally conservative” to every Tom, Joe, and Sally on the street while realizing that statement means absolutely nothing. No matter what you choose, you lose. Theoretically, democracy was all about celebrating your W’s and working to turn the L’s in your favor by convincing the majority, but in the modern-day workings of the world, doesn’t it just feel like no matter where you stand, every day of socio-economic examination turns up as a major L? And to boot, we got a whole, fat, juicy gushing hot election cycle coming up ready to ram everyone’s head into the 24/7 news cycle neuroses to kick off another four years of fighting. When it’s all said and done, what did we learn? What appears to be a democracy seems to instead be something between a rickety Republic and a full-blown oligarchy, on the bright side, a mud-slinging peasant never got to use an iPhone, so I think we got the one-up in this disastrous deal.

Right now the race looks pretty set. Despite his various legal obligations, court house visits, and crypto-fascistic sentiments, the former 45th President is sure to be the Republican party’s nominee while the dementia-ridden, elder statesmen of slurring words is putting the Democratic Party in doubt of winning. Though I lack of divination experience, the way things are going now it’s as if time itself has stopped for the last four years and we are running full force into a repeat of 2016. Wasn’t that fun for everyone? What is clear now more than ever is that there is no institutional way to prevent this outcome. Yes, this half-operational democracy is supposedly a choice by the people, but this is a far cry from what any of us have willed or decided, so how did we get here? When the social culture is filled with a lot of loudmouths who can’t seem to stop, how do we not expect the guy to lead the coalition of annoying mother-fuckers to be annoying himself?

At the end of the day, this situation is not uncommon in America’s history. The last time a political divide was this severe, people wanted to literally own other people, so at least we’ve progressed from that (in some respect). But in question right now, is literally how we want to edit, save, and close out of the Microsoft Word doc that is the country. We know that the choices given to us have proven not to be our saviors. In fact, our choices are but figureheads to continue the long national tradition of infusing a regulatory body with various corporate monopolies to keep vast amounts of wealth among only a few while the rest of us bicker and quarrel on the same social media sites that those same few happen to operate. Why this very tradition is what got us these choices in the first place. Very convenient for them to keep us distracted as they continue to get the bag. But I digress. Some may see my interpretation of the issue as biased or a hot take in its own right. For this, you may be correct, however, you must admit, the populace is stuck like one of Dr. Evil’s henchmen extras in Austin Powers, screaming and shouting “NO!” as the slow-moving steam roller comes toward you from a mile away.

Ultimately, we have too many people talking for our collective good, too many issues that need to be tackled, and two choices are up for grabs with only one result being a nosedive into a status quo it seems no one truly wants. What is the answer? Don’t ask me, my answer could put me on a federal list, and my name already appears on those quite frequently. Since I don’t have the heart to be a domestic terrorist or revolutionary, what can I do? Let’s take another note from the woman herself, Nicki Minaj. It’s time we FTCU. Yes, fuck this club up. Whether it’s the club where you dance the night away or the club that we call the good ol’ USA, it’s time we fuck it up, have fun, and do it all with love in our hearts. This entire written piece I consider a fucking of my own personal club, however, having your club fucked up is not something to fear or shy away from.

If the idea exists that the entire club is fucked already, we must take it upon ourselves to continue fucking it up in a way we find suitable. Use what appears to be the problem as a means for our solution. In a nation where it feels as if there are only two paths to take, be it left or right, up or down, happy or sad, and various other synonyms and antonyms to describe the current condition – maybe the answer is a new third way. The way where regardless of what may go down, the people make it through. Yes, there are too many vocalized thoughts at all times, but maybe we’re learning from each other in the process. Yes, the issues we face are unprecedented, but maybe we will overcome them in an equally unprecedented fashion. And yes, this election season is going to be mental, but maybe everything will be okay?

I don’t think that’s a maybe, everything being okay is always what it was meant to be. Should things turn out in ways beyond our grasp, it’s never goodbye, just au revior. So with high heels on your tippies and Dolce and Gabbana on your titties, take on the day, and once again, fuck this club up.